c'estpourmoi (thisisforme)

what is this?

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I was told today that I can either be a simple bystander, or I can fight to stand up for what I think is right.

This was not said in reference to anything more than work-related drama (and was advice given by the least reputable source), but I read into it as I usually do read into things, and turned it into this: I have been thinking that exact thought for the past few months. About what I’m doing with my life. About how I’m fulfilling my purpose (or how I am not fulfilling my purpose). This is the 2nd time in two days that someone has said to me almost exactly what I have been thinking for so long. That I can either stand outside the fire or I can jump in and try to pull a couple of people out, if you will. But… of course no one gives me the answer.
Am I just, as I said, reading into this? Or is He speaking to me? I don’t want to ignore this.
Do I leave this meaningless, unfulfilling, dead-end job for something with purpose? What would that be? Something unpaid, I’m sure. Right? But would that matter? Probably not really, but… food? Clothes? Diapers? Would I have to move my family? No, we couldn’t do that. And I’m not experienced enough for a mission. I don’t know enough. I couldn’t lead anyone out of anything. I’m not strong enough – I get angry and flustered and I feel ashamed. I don’t have enough doctrine, I… but still He pulls on my heart-strings.
Is this just what I want? Something to make me feel like I have a purpose other than what I am doing now? Do I just have this need to feel more important or something? Or is this what He wants? How am I supposed to know?! I can’t make a huge decision and then find out that, no, this wasn’t His plan after all, it was mine. Is there something I’m supposed to be doing that maybe isn’t so dramatic as quitting my job and becoming a broke servant?
What is this?

Written by cestpourmoi

July 9, 2009 at 4:28 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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